Jack Schitt
Was Full of It
He used to live next door
With Cats n Dogs n Little Schitts
And Lady Schitt (The whore)
He was no fool
Attended Public School
Was known As Eaton Schitt
He was famed for lighting farts
And staining his sports kit
He majored in sex
Wore dirty brown specs
And put his Schitt member about
He put a turd in the school nurses oven
And scarpered before it popped out
Arrested at Football
Chelsea v Millwall
The Schitt truly hit the fan
The fan told the law who knocked on his door
And gave him a 10 year ban
They moved out of town
To Crappingham Down
And made money selling baled hay
A farmer and wife, a sedate new life
Now its same Schitt, diff'rent day.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Happy Birthday Jesus
Ya Sandal-wearing nerd
Stop hanging round wi' lepers
And get yourself a bird
I bet ya walk on water
Has given ya cold feet
But I hear Mary Magdelines
Blowjobs are a treat
So less of all the prayers mate
Lighten up a bit
Get yourself a brandy
Ya boring hairy git
Your birthdays meant to be
A day to let it all hang out
Not going round preaching gospel
An' acting all devout
Im just trying to help mate
You seem a bit pent up
Make yourself some Merlot
With yer magic cup
Ooh, the eyes are darkening
Did I get you mad
Well bring it on pacifist boy
Or will ya run n get ya dad?
Well happy birthday Jesus
I really really tried
I bet ya spend your Easter the same
As if someone had died
Ya Sandal-wearing nerd
Stop hanging round wi' lepers
And get yourself a bird
I bet ya walk on water
Has given ya cold feet
But I hear Mary Magdelines
Blowjobs are a treat
So less of all the prayers mate
Lighten up a bit
Get yourself a brandy
Ya boring hairy git
Your birthdays meant to be
A day to let it all hang out
Not going round preaching gospel
An' acting all devout
Im just trying to help mate
You seem a bit pent up
Make yourself some Merlot
With yer magic cup
Ooh, the eyes are darkening
Did I get you mad
Well bring it on pacifist boy
Or will ya run n get ya dad?
Well happy birthday Jesus
I really really tried
I bet ya spend your Easter the same
As if someone had died
Cowboy Ballad
{country n western gheeeetar intro music}
well, i am just cowboy
with rusted gun n spurs
i twist n turn at ev'ry noise
like doors or kitten purrs
ive been a nervy man now
for many many a year
it started when my mama
tried to strangle me with fur
my sweet old mama 'Creepy'
loved me best as she could give
but lost her mind one stormy day
when off ran my papa 'Sieve'
he took our best horse 'Francis'
coz the saddle was rigged up
and left me and ma $23 and cashew nuts
in a soiled egg-cup
the mailman brought a letter
saying pa had died at sea
he'd signed to the marine corp
coz the uniform was free
my dear ma read the note
and wept until her eyes ran dry
then she hit me with a pineapple
while crying "Why'd Sieve Die!"
that fateful attempted fur murdur
was only days away
i spent all my time with Playboy
and some tissue in the hay
well late one night i woke to find
my face all full of hair
i thought that it was miss july
and held on like a bear
the next time i awoke
i was on a bed in casualty
and mama was in a straight jacket
in loony ward 23
and from that day to this
the taste of fur makes me run cold
so i stick to eating nylon
or wool if im feeling bold
my dear old mama passed away
one gloomy autumn day
and i buried her in the back yard
beneath my magic hay
Dedicated to my Dear Old Mom, Creepy
"Gone, But Not For-Cotton"
{country n western gheeeetar intro music}
well, i am just cowboy
with rusted gun n spurs
i twist n turn at ev'ry noise
like doors or kitten purrs
ive been a nervy man now
for many many a year
it started when my mama
tried to strangle me with fur
my sweet old mama 'Creepy'
loved me best as she could give
but lost her mind one stormy day
when off ran my papa 'Sieve'
he took our best horse 'Francis'
coz the saddle was rigged up
and left me and ma $23 and cashew nuts
in a soiled egg-cup
the mailman brought a letter
saying pa had died at sea
he'd signed to the marine corp
coz the uniform was free
my dear ma read the note
and wept until her eyes ran dry
then she hit me with a pineapple
while crying "Why'd Sieve Die!"
that fateful attempted fur murdur
was only days away
i spent all my time with Playboy
and some tissue in the hay
well late one night i woke to find
my face all full of hair
i thought that it was miss july
and held on like a bear
the next time i awoke
i was on a bed in casualty
and mama was in a straight jacket
in loony ward 23
and from that day to this
the taste of fur makes me run cold
so i stick to eating nylon
or wool if im feeling bold
my dear old mama passed away
one gloomy autumn day
and i buried her in the back yard
beneath my magic hay
Dedicated to my Dear Old Mom, Creepy
"Gone, But Not For-Cotton"
Final Countdown
If I have to suffer 'The Final Countdown' again
Or look at those girly perms
I'll track down all the bands' mums
And fill their mouths with worms
You had one hit
(n that was sh*t)
and still today
you're milking it
so take you hair
and air guitars
and stick em up
you're whining a***
If all countdowns lasted this long
the Olympics would be really wrong
and no records would get broken
they’d probably just play urs again [:s]
So please remember those of us
Who's eardrums you've soiled
And stop the song from playing again
Or else those worms’ll be boiled!!
Or look at those girly perms
I'll track down all the bands' mums
And fill their mouths with worms
You had one hit
(n that was sh*t)
and still today
you're milking it
so take you hair
and air guitars
and stick em up
you're whining a***
If all countdowns lasted this long
the Olympics would be really wrong
and no records would get broken
they’d probably just play urs again [:s]
So please remember those of us
Who's eardrums you've soiled
And stop the song from playing again
Or else those worms’ll be boiled!!
Saturday, March 08, 2008
Comic Legends
Bill Hicks is my personal hero. He actually saved my life when he was already dead, that is testimony to the power and genius of his comedy and outlook on life. I was in a rehabilitation unit for alcohol & drugs, struggling to fight my demons, then I came across a compilation album in a grimy old book (and CD) store. ‘Philosophy’ by William Melvin Hicks, totally blew me away and sucked me in at the same time. The strength of the guys convictions gave me the confidence to believe in what I was doing, and why. Thanks Bill. He was born down a mineshaft, with coaldust in his hair, soot beneath his fingernails (but rent was cheaper there). Actually Bill was born in Georgia, USA, in 1961 and grew up in Bible-Belt Central, USA and his reaction to religious dogma, thrust upon him and many others, is evident in his stand-up act. As Bill saw it, “A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's like going up to JFK’s widow, Jackie Onassis, wearing a rifle pendant. Just thinking of John, that’s all Jackie”.
As a teenager he used to sneak out to comedy venues, performing and outshining many established acts while at the tender age of fifteen. People, who saw Bill Hicks live, said it was an experience to be remembered for the rest of their lives. Those who saw him dead, just said that they were really too upset to comment. Bill’s no-holds barred style would never endear him with corporate, image-obsessed, mainstream US Television producers, or audiences for that matter. He venomously spat out the truth, the way he saw it, starkly honest and unabashed and most importantly, funny. “They celebrate Easter the exact same way we do: commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit … left chocolate eggs in the night. Now, I wonder why we're fucked up as a race. Anybody got any idea? You know, I've read the Bible. I can't find the word "bunny" or "chocolate" anywhere in the fucking book”
Once established on the comedy circuits, Bill’s alcoholic intake soared because of the ‘always touring’ lifestyle he delved into, as did his cigarette consumption, which may well have contributed to his sad, early demise. I think his hardcore, addictive personality gave him an edge which honed his insight but sometimes the booze and later drugs, led him into dark areas of incoherence, which he manfully disguised by harassing the paying audience until they left in disgust. He incorporated his excesses into his routine but always with a sardonic eye on political society’s views on narcotic substances, “Wouldn't you like to see a positive LSD story on the news? To hear what it's all about, perhaps? Wouldn't that be interesting? Just for once? ‘Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration … that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather.’ “
Throughout his short career, he rallied against the wrongs of the world, corrupt governments, war, ignorance, religion, the evils of huge corporations and mind manipulating marketing, he wasn’t afraid to laugh at himself, and speak the truth at he saw it. Various companies tried and failed to have Bill endorse their products, “Anybody in marketing, kill yourselves rid the world of your evil machinations, please” but he believed that he had a message, to open peoples eyes, and minds and I think he was probably right. In his last few months after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 1994, he did a select last few shows, then went home to die in the company of his family and loved ones. He was, and is a genius, wickedly funny, and with a philosophical outlook that is to be admired His work will live on for many years, Bill Hicks, a one-off, sadly taken from us all too early.
I’ll leave the last word to Bill “The world is like a ride at an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and its fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question: Is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey – don't worry, don't be afraid ever, because this is just a ride." And we … kill those people. "Shut him up. We have a lot invested in this ride. Shut him up. Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account and my family. This just has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. But it doesn't matter, because – it's just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.”
Brendan O’Sullivan
Bill Hicks is my personal hero. He actually saved my life when he was already dead, that is testimony to the power and genius of his comedy and outlook on life. I was in a rehabilitation unit for alcohol & drugs, struggling to fight my demons, then I came across a compilation album in a grimy old book (and CD) store. ‘Philosophy’ by William Melvin Hicks, totally blew me away and sucked me in at the same time. The strength of the guys convictions gave me the confidence to believe in what I was doing, and why. Thanks Bill. He was born down a mineshaft, with coaldust in his hair, soot beneath his fingernails (but rent was cheaper there). Actually Bill was born in Georgia, USA, in 1961 and grew up in Bible-Belt Central, USA and his reaction to religious dogma, thrust upon him and many others, is evident in his stand-up act. As Bill saw it, “A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's like going up to JFK’s widow, Jackie Onassis, wearing a rifle pendant. Just thinking of John, that’s all Jackie”.
As a teenager he used to sneak out to comedy venues, performing and outshining many established acts while at the tender age of fifteen. People, who saw Bill Hicks live, said it was an experience to be remembered for the rest of their lives. Those who saw him dead, just said that they were really too upset to comment. Bill’s no-holds barred style would never endear him with corporate, image-obsessed, mainstream US Television producers, or audiences for that matter. He venomously spat out the truth, the way he saw it, starkly honest and unabashed and most importantly, funny. “They celebrate Easter the exact same way we do: commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit … left chocolate eggs in the night. Now, I wonder why we're fucked up as a race. Anybody got any idea? You know, I've read the Bible. I can't find the word "bunny" or "chocolate" anywhere in the fucking book”
Once established on the comedy circuits, Bill’s alcoholic intake soared because of the ‘always touring’ lifestyle he delved into, as did his cigarette consumption, which may well have contributed to his sad, early demise. I think his hardcore, addictive personality gave him an edge which honed his insight but sometimes the booze and later drugs, led him into dark areas of incoherence, which he manfully disguised by harassing the paying audience until they left in disgust. He incorporated his excesses into his routine but always with a sardonic eye on political society’s views on narcotic substances, “Wouldn't you like to see a positive LSD story on the news? To hear what it's all about, perhaps? Wouldn't that be interesting? Just for once? ‘Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration … that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather.’ “
Throughout his short career, he rallied against the wrongs of the world, corrupt governments, war, ignorance, religion, the evils of huge corporations and mind manipulating marketing, he wasn’t afraid to laugh at himself, and speak the truth at he saw it. Various companies tried and failed to have Bill endorse their products, “Anybody in marketing, kill yourselves rid the world of your evil machinations, please” but he believed that he had a message, to open peoples eyes, and minds and I think he was probably right. In his last few months after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 1994, he did a select last few shows, then went home to die in the company of his family and loved ones. He was, and is a genius, wickedly funny, and with a philosophical outlook that is to be admired His work will live on for many years, Bill Hicks, a one-off, sadly taken from us all too early.
I’ll leave the last word to Bill “The world is like a ride at an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and its fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question: Is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey – don't worry, don't be afraid ever, because this is just a ride." And we … kill those people. "Shut him up. We have a lot invested in this ride. Shut him up. Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account and my family. This just has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. But it doesn't matter, because – it's just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.”
Brendan O’Sullivan
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