The Punjab Parrot Sketch

Nestled uncomfortably between Kashmir takeaway, Khan Insurance Services and Bhatti Fabrics and Excessive Gold Clothing sits ‘Dave Pets’. Owned and run by Dave Taxiderm, and trading in what we call pets but the neighbouring businesses call lunch, it is an emporium of unbelievable noise, stench and overpriced hutches (not a starsky to be seen either.) Recently, the following exchange took place;

Customer: I wish to register a complaint.
Dave T: Oh baubles, Im hearing voices again!
Customer: It was me speaking, missus.
Dave T: What do you mean "missus"?
Customer: I'm sorry, I’ve been eating Prawn Quavers. I wish to make a complaint!
Dave T: We're closing' for lunch.
Customer: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Dave T: Oh yes, the, uh, Israeli Jeweller Gold Breed...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Customer: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's got a Punjabi accent, that's what's wrong with it!
Dave T: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's got impersonatoritis.
Customer: Look, matey, I know a Asian parrot when I hear one, and I'm listening to one right now.
Parrot: Who is pretty boy then, isnt’ it?
Dave T: No no he's not Punjabi, he's, he's a great mimic'! Remarkable bird, the Israeli Jeweller isn't it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
Customer: The plumage don’t enter into it. It sounds like a High Street Banks call centre.
Dave T: Nononono, no, no! 'E's just er got this rare affliction; you haven’t been letting him watch Rory Bremner have you?
Customer: Rory Bremner Get with the times mate, its Jon Culshaw!
Dave T: Err, is Mike Yarwood still alive? (to himself; what about Alistair McGowan?)
Customer; All right then, if he's not Punjabi, I'll get some decent English conversation out of him! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! Would you like a cup of tea? Did you see Eastenders last night? Did you enjoy that scrap with those City fans last week?
Dave T: (mutters without moving lips) I’d love a brew, 2 sugars. I missed it, did Dot Cotton get away with that bank job? Yeah, I hate the blue mancunian scum. There you go, he’s as English as a wet August bank holiday!
Customer: I believe, asshole, that was you trying to impersonate a Punjabi parrot impersonating an English accent!
Dave T: I never
Customer: Yes, you did!
Dave T: I never, I never did anything...
Customer: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Any Englishness in there? Do you enjoy queueing whilst grumbling, are you bullied in miserable silence at your detested workplace? Is there a xenophobic, racist Francophobe feather on that body of yours!
(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Customer: Now that's what I call a dead Punjabi parrot.
Parrot: Oh deary, deary me, this is a pretty spicy pickle I am in.
Dave T: You’ve oppressed him, he’s just misplaced & confused!
Customer: OPPRESSED?!?
DaveT: Yeah! You pigeonholed him, just as he was wakin' up to his Englishness! Israeli Gold Jewellers get oppressed easily, major defect in their gentic lineage.
Customer: Pigeonholed a Parrot. Shouldn’t that be Parrotholed?
Dave T: Parrotholing is still illegal in this country may I remind you.
Customer: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely Punjabi, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of Englishness was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged Air Pakistan flight that was rerouted through Lahore via Las Vegas, Canberra, Volgograd and Tierra del Fuego .
Dave T: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for Bradford.
Customer: PININ' for BRADFORD?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he start asking about the family business and what caste I am when I got 'im home?
Dave T: The Israeli Gold likes to keep a keen eye on the business pages, Look even his cage is lined with todays Financial Times! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
Customer: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been speaking English in the shop in the first place was because you had been brainwashing him with episodes of ‘Goodness Gracious Me’ especially the Kupars/Coopers sketches!
Dave T: Well, o'course I played it British comedy shows! If I hadn't, it would have attacked those cage bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and ZOOM! Wheeeeeeeee, freedom!
Customer: "ZOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "zoom" if you put it on a diet of curried figs and spicy lentils! 'E's bleedin' Punjabi!
Dave T: No no! 'E's merely a bit oppressed is all And depressed too, how more English can he be!
Customer: 'E's not Depressed'! 'E's Punjabi! This parrot is no English Rose! He has a way with spices! 'E's opened a phone stall on the local market! 'E's a Hindi! Bereft of Britishness, 'e drives a private hire taxi! If you hadn't played him the Kumars at no. 42 he’d be doing a Bollywood dance number right now! 'Is grasp of English tenses and verb structure are 'istory! 'E's off the boat and on the benefits! 'E's kicked the back door out of his cousin, 'e's got a bigger family than a Sicilian grandfather, run down the M6 and joined the bleedin' Abu Hamza invisibiles!! THIS IS A PUNJABI PARROT!!!
Dave T: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and, err, we're right out of parrots.
Customer: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Dave T: I’ve got a cockroach?.
Customer: Erm, ok. But, well, does it talk?
Dave: Nnnnot really. But it does a fine line in hissing.
Customer: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Dave T: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Customer: Well.

(pause)

Dave T: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?
Customer: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure. As long as you bring that black sheep.
Dave T: NOW you’re talking my language!